just needed a place to lay some thoughts.

I’m realizing how I never had much time to really get over Shane. To grasp the ending of you know, the biggest relationship of my life to date. I went straight from 6 months of not seeing him to breaking up to Eric. I suppose it’s what I needed to really move on, to just ignore it. That’s not to say I didn’t miss him a lot or cry a ton. Hell the first half of my relationship with Eric was him dealing with me randomly crying after thinking about Shane. But it was more about how I felt so bad about how I ended things with him, not about missing him. Why would I miss him when I had Eric there holding me? But now I have neither and I’ve been trying to build back up a friendship with Shane and it’s reminding me of what we had. It’s just really weird going from thinking you’ll spend the rest of your life with someone, to just sending a hand full of emails in the past year. It’s officially been a year since I last saw him face to face. And now, seeing videos of him just triggers all that. All that once was. We’re both in better places, I know that. He’s so happy out in LA with his new girlfriend. All I wanted was for him to truly be able to live out his dream and he is. I would have held him back. But when I stop and think, stop and remember, it all just comes flooding back and I miss what we once had. We had a lot of flaws in our relationship but the one constant was how much we loved each other. And it’s now been a year since I’ve felt that intensity of romanic love. Eric never opened up enough for that. We got close, but something always held it back. But with Shane.. god we barely went a minute without telling the other how much we loved them. I miss that. That constant security and reassurance. That overwhelming connection with another human being. 

I am surrounded by people all day long. I ride the bus and the train and eat lunch and walk and walk and walk… alone. It’s not unsettling to me, but it is lonely. I see all these couples, whether friendships or romantic, and I always think… how did they find eachother? There’s millions of people in this city, yet they found each other. It doesn’t sadden me, just intrigues me I guess. And I always wonder, how many of those people I pass each day I could have that with. That if for some weird chance reason I ended up talking to one of those people, we could potentially become best friends. Yet they are just fleeting moments in my life. Faces I will never again recognize. 

So for the people in my life that I do connect with, that I do have that relationship with, I don’t know I guess it sucks when it ends. They too just become fleeting moments when they once were a huge part of my life. I don’t regret anything. I know that I have gotten to the place and person I am because of everything I went through and everyone I’ve known. But it just sucks when you lose those people that have made you this person. I owe so much to Shane, yet I barely know him anything. And we most likely will never be close again like we once were. Maybe. Who knows. And Eric. I spent every single day for 5 months with him. Every day, minus a week or two. And now we don’t even speak. I know it’s partly my fault. I know I could pick up my phone and say hello. But my heart’s still too broken. Because when those people that did help shape you hurt you, that’s the worst pain of all. You haven’t only lost someone, you’ve been damaged by them. 

I’m not sure where I was going with this. Just needed to ramble I suppose. I got stressed and freaked out and nervous about the future and just needed to put things into perspective somehow. At least one thing into perspective. 

It all makes sense in the end, right? We end up with the people who truly deserve us and vice versa. We end up where all the people have brought us, past and present. It all works out. Right? It’s supposed to anyhow. So I’ve heard. My problem is learning to let things go as they may. To not rush or push anything. To just accept what is and what will be. Because no matter what, it all works out. So stop worrying so much, kiddo. It. All. Works. Out. In. The. End.

@4 months ago
#pointless ramble #blog #ignore me 
just needed a place to lay some thoughts.

I’m realizing how I never had much time to really get over Shane. To grasp the ending of you know, the biggest relationship of my life to date. I went straight from 6 months of not seeing him to breaking up to Eric. I suppose it’s what I needed to really move on, to just ignore it. That’s not to say I didn’t miss him a lot or cry a ton. Hell the first half of my relationship with Eric was him dealing with me randomly crying after thinking about Shane. But it was more about how I felt so bad about how I ended things with him, not about missing him. Why would I miss him when I had Eric there holding me? But now I have neither and I’ve been trying to build back up a friendship with Shane and it’s reminding me of what we had. It’s just really weird going from thinking you’ll spend the rest of your life with someone, to just sending a hand full of emails in the past year. It’s officially been a year since I last saw him face to face. And now, seeing videos of him just triggers all that. All that once was. We’re both in better places, I know that. He’s so happy out in LA with his new girlfriend. All I wanted was for him to truly be able to live out his dream and he is. I would have held him back. But when I stop and think, stop and remember, it all just comes flooding back and I miss what we once had. We had a lot of flaws in our relationship but the one constant was how much we loved each other. And it’s now been a year since I’ve felt that intensity of romanic love. Eric never opened up enough for that. We got close, but something always held it back. But with Shane.. god we barely went a minute without telling the other how much we loved them. I miss that. That constant security and reassurance. That overwhelming connection with another human being. 

I am surrounded by people all day long. I ride the bus and the train and eat lunch and walk and walk and walk… alone. It’s not unsettling to me, but it is lonely. I see all these couples, whether friendships or romantic, and I always think… how did they find eachother? There’s millions of people in this city, yet they found each other. It doesn’t sadden me, just intrigues me I guess. And I always wonder, how many of those people I pass each day I could have that with. That if for some weird chance reason I ended up talking to one of those people, we could potentially become best friends. Yet they are just fleeting moments in my life. Faces I will never again recognize. 

So for the people in my life that I do connect with, that I do have that relationship with, I don’t know I guess it sucks when it ends. They too just become fleeting moments when they once were a huge part of my life. I don’t regret anything. I know that I have gotten to the place and person I am because of everything I went through and everyone I’ve known. But it just sucks when you lose those people that have made you this person. I owe so much to Shane, yet I barely know him anything. And we most likely will never be close again like we once were. Maybe. Who knows. And Eric. I spent every single day for 5 months with him. Every day, minus a week or two. And now we don’t even speak. I know it’s partly my fault. I know I could pick up my phone and say hello. But my heart’s still too broken. Because when those people that did help shape you hurt you, that’s the worst pain of all. You haven’t only lost someone, you’ve been damaged by them. 

I’m not sure where I was going with this. Just needed to ramble I suppose. I got stressed and freaked out and nervous about the future and just needed to put things into perspective somehow. At least one thing into perspective. 

It all makes sense in the end, right? We end up with the people who truly deserve us and vice versa. We end up where all the people have brought us, past and present. It all works out. Right? It’s supposed to anyhow. So I’ve heard. My problem is learning to let things go as they may. To not rush or push anything. To just accept what is and what will be. Because no matter what, it all works out. So stop worrying so much, kiddo. It. All. Works. Out. In. The. End.

4 months ago
#pointless ramble #blog #ignore me