I always feared living alone. The idea always seemed terrifying and unsatisfying. Now, almost a year later, I’m just used to it. I’m used to coming home alone. I’m used to silence. I’m used to loneliness. And for the most part, I enjoy it. I enjoy the solitude and stress free atmosphere of only having to worry about my own belongings and mess. 

But tonight is the opposite. Tonight I wish I was surrounded by conversation and company. Laying alone on my couch, wiping away escaping tears and having absolutely nothing in the world to do is making the loneliness become a nuisance. I’ve watched a whole season of Game of Thrones and now what? I’m not tired. I don’t really feel like reading. I already painted my nails. I’ve got nothing to do but lay here. 

I wish I had someone to live with. But in 3 months I’ll be looking for another studio again. I don’t want to stay in this building. I need a change. Maybe Aaron and Hannah will not move to NY and I’ll find a cool studio near them and be able to see them more. I don’t know. Now I’m just rambling to a computer screen cause I have no one else to talk to. Womp womp. 

Well. Time to go watch another season of some show I guess. Boardwalk Empire maybe? Any suggestions?

That little green dot is menacing and tempting. But I know, I know it’ll never make a difference or ever matter. But sometimes I imagine clicking it and letting loose all my word vomit. 

Meh. Now you’re just somebody that I used to know. 

The idea of growing up has really been scaring me lately. Graduating, moving on, finding my place. But last night I got to play house with Jake in my brothers apartment. I got to have a dinner party with my best friends where we all cooked together and sat around the table eating, talking and laughing Iike crazy. Then I got to fall asleep in my boy’s arms after we cleaned up and said our goodbyes.

Even though we’ve all done this before, something was different about it last night and we all felt it. We felt like adults as dumb as that sounds. But it all was perfect. Growing up shouldn’t scare me. It’s just going to keep getting better. I’ve got the most amazing boyfriend and best friends. And in time I will get a great job and starting working towards my career and future. It’s gonna be great. It’s all gonna work out perfectly. And no matter what, I’m surrounded by incredible people that will always be there to make me laugh.

My emotions are all out of whack. One moment I’m so happy and loving life and the next I’m randomly crying on the bus. I don’t know if it’s this doom of my finality of school or the fact that I went off birth control for a month now. Probably a good combination.

Tomorrow I’m going to start eating healthy again, doing yoga and running. And avoid alcohol for awhile.

I know things will be great. I know this is normal. I know I’ll eventually get a job. But right now my heart is racing and I can’t focus on the positive.

There is enough time and the universe completely supports me. Bleck.

Bought food together, cooked tacos together, drank 2 bottles of wine together. Spent hours upon hours with one of the best friends I’ve ever had talking about everything from the past 4 years to religion to relationships to doing yoga poses on his roof. Can’t believe the one dude who was my first friend in college and still remains one of my very best friends is leaving in a matter of weeks. I’m gonna miss the hell out of him and nights like tonight.

Growing up is awesome but also fucking sucks. But it’s comforting to know that some people will always be in your life. And I know he will.

I love my family more than anything. And I love being in Madison more than anything. But it’s an awesome feeling to be ready to go home. I’m so ready to go home to my stupid little studio apartment, sleep in my bed and be back to Mowgli and my life. I’m so ready to run into my boy’s arms and stay wrapped up in them all night long. I’m so ready to hang out with my very favorite best friends on the planet who I miss terribly even after one week apart. And I’m so ready to find a job and start being a real adult. 

I’m coming back for ya tomorrow, Chicago. Then escaping again to visit my boy’s family for a couple days in his hometown, because even though this weekend will only mark 2 months, we’re already at that point. 

I’m so happy. The summer looks bright and colorful. Chicago is home. And it’s one damn great one.

My sister warned me that coming to visit her new house and neighborhood would make me wanna leave the city and settle down and start a family.

Today I ran around with Willa in the back yard, talked to suups nice neighbor and his beautiful pit, stared at a cute baby, smiled at kids riding bikes down the street, walked through a nature woods path and saw deer.

Yeah. Shit. I wish I could have this kind of life already. It’s gonna be hard to go back to Chicago.